Today is Day 22 on the SCD diet. Good until right about now because I'm hungry and all there is is fruit. I should have had some nuts or eggs or something. Too much fruit today!
Wes made some popcorn and asked me if I wanted some and of course I said, "No" but it smells so good. Cravings for everything else are zilch so I don't understand why I felt lured. I can look at bread, even when I am starving and not flinch...but popcorn. I think it was more the smell of the oil and salt that got me.
Tomorrow is New Years Day and I am excited about what the new year will bring. This is something that I can and will do and I am ready to make a change. I just have to keep thinking "What else would you be doing this year?"--other than changing your life...and the answer of course is, "Nothing".
I'm a little disgusted with myself after cleaning out the car and files. It's been too long and some of my old habits have to change. I keep saying this but when life gets to be too hard or overwhelming, old ways are hard to break. Felt something like shame at first and then pride because I am handling a job that would have felled many people, running a household skillfully, working at a full-time high-powered job, and being #1 Mom. I was a perfectionist at all of those jobs and something had to give.
I wonder how it will be when Wes is gone. Some of the sloppiness was mine but really now Wes doesn't care. The closets are proof of this when he puts away things wrong and then says, "I'm sorry."
On the spending front, I didn't spend too much. $3.00 for two pairs of shoes on Ebay after I deducted my PayPal credit and $5.00 for a Subway sandwich for Wes. I am realizing that my compulsive spending is tied to wanting to make my life easier and to take care of business. The making life easier doesn't always pan out. As soon as I get a yogurt-maker, I realize I need more jars and a spoon with a thermometer at the bottom and a lunch bag to take to work every day. It never ends. I also want to have things organized and nice. In the new year as well as diet, I am going to cut up those credit cards and deal with the feelings of wanting to take care of business. We can go without nice shampoos and creams and no one says we have to eat out. Doggie doesn't have to have a new toy or treat all of the time either. I am looking at screen doors, lunch bags, and thermometers and then this will be the end of it. I don't need a new floor this year and the tenant has a dishwasher and a fridge so she is set!
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Today is day 20
Today is the twentieth day! Cannot believe that I've gotten this far. I was kind of hungry last night but right now still as motivated as heck. Didn't go to the gym yet today. Don't want to leave the dog alone because Wes isn't here! Not much else to say.
I worked hard on organizing the house and it shows. Paid a lot of bills and realized that I really shouldn't be spending the way I am. Have to find ways to cut costs. I am feeling that I'm not prettying up the house or myself very well and needed to spend a little on that. I am not going to put the TV on the wall this month and am waiting until the following month until I buy the fabric for the slipcovers. Just a little at a time.
I will be going down in dress size so it's best not to spend too much on clothes and I need to keep things away from Shawnee and/or get her new toys. Ciao for now!
I worked hard on organizing the house and it shows. Paid a lot of bills and realized that I really shouldn't be spending the way I am. Have to find ways to cut costs. I am feeling that I'm not prettying up the house or myself very well and needed to spend a little on that. I am not going to put the TV on the wall this month and am waiting until the following month until I buy the fabric for the slipcovers. Just a little at a time.
I will be going down in dress size so it's best not to spend too much on clothes and I need to keep things away from Shawnee and/or get her new toys. Ciao for now!
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
More inspiration
More inspiration from podcasts. This time from a Naturopath who talked a lot about SIBO. Some of it was encouraging and some of it was implicating that I might have to lay off carbs (or at least) gluten for life. Best case scenario--gluten causes thyroid problems which caused SIBO to proliferate. I considered ordering another supplement which has me worried because I tend to go gung ho on things too much. The inspiration is much-needed and I am really good at complying when I have hope and encouragement. Have to make sure to continue with the antibiotics; that's an important piece!
Today I had turkey soup. It was alright. I think I used too much water so even 30 hours of boiling was not enough to impart enough flavor. So today was turkey, beats, a banana, and soup. And green tea of course. I really need to get out to the produce market tomorrow. I'm in the mood for poached pears, but not too many. I should get into freezing things for work and the pears should be one thing. I really want to make applesauce (or pear sauce)!
Work might be problematic because the gf bread will not be an option. Neither will be tuna unless I can buy it from TJ and make the majo myself. No gl crackers. Lunch will be meat and vegetables along with some eggs, etc. I really need to get the recipe book so I can experiment. Need to get some flavored oils for calories.
Today I had turkey soup. It was alright. I think I used too much water so even 30 hours of boiling was not enough to impart enough flavor. So today was turkey, beats, a banana, and soup. And green tea of course. I really need to get out to the produce market tomorrow. I'm in the mood for poached pears, but not too many. I should get into freezing things for work and the pears should be one thing. I really want to make applesauce (or pear sauce)!
Work might be problematic because the gf bread will not be an option. Neither will be tuna unless I can buy it from TJ and make the majo myself. No gl crackers. Lunch will be meat and vegetables along with some eggs, etc. I really need to get the recipe book so I can experiment. Need to get some flavored oils for calories.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Inspired today
Today started out kind of slow. I was really tired from Christmas and feeling disjointed from not eating any of the traditional foods. But I was soon inspired by Jordan and Steve's podcasts and even by a cookbook called Turtle Soup, which I ordered. One lesson I got today is not to overindulge in any SCD-legal foods especially almond, peanut butter, fructose, and or yogurt and cheeses. So this calls for more diversity and creativity!
Really gung ho now. Can't wait to tell Cyndy about podcasts and weight loss!
Really gung ho now. Can't wait to tell Cyndy about podcasts and weight loss!
Sunday, December 25, 2011
It's been a few days!
Lots of progress on getting support. Turkey is in the oven and it smells great. Have to hold out for that long because almonds are all that's readily available. Had way too much cooked fruit yesterday. With cinnamon; it was great.
Need to make sure I am still strong and am the warrior queen that I am. It struck me yesterday that my alter ego is in charge. The very strong one who says, "Never say die" and "Never give up." With her in command, I cannot lose.
Wish Sybil were true because I could integrate both personalities--the strong one and the weaker one.
xxoo
Need to make sure I am still strong and am the warrior queen that I am. It struck me yesterday that my alter ego is in charge. The very strong one who says, "Never say die" and "Never give up." With her in command, I cannot lose.
Wish Sybil were true because I could integrate both personalities--the strong one and the weaker one.
xxoo
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Today is Day 12
Yesterday was good in some ways. The probiotics came in the mail yesterday and the book should come today. That should help. I cooked some but the food won't last. At least working gets you into a routine. The food may be boring but....
Anyway, need a yogurt maker and I have no idea what goat's milk yogurt tastes like. Should be good with fruit right?
Nothing much else to say. No cravings really, not even for potatoes or other carbs. And I stayed away from cheese and coffee.
Anyway, need a yogurt maker and I have no idea what goat's milk yogurt tastes like. Should be good with fruit right?
Nothing much else to say. No cravings really, not even for potatoes or other carbs. And I stayed away from cheese and coffee.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Day 10
Today was pretty easy. I've been inspired by this guy on YouTube (crohnsboy) who really has it all together. If I could just have a percent or two of his attitude, life would be so much fuller. It's like I've been awakened from this haze where I thought good enough was acceptable. It's never been okay to do an admirable job. If I know what to do, it's a crime not to go full tilt boogie for happiness. Complacency is not an option, especially in my case. Maybe for others, but not for me.
That said, I'm so glad I took these years off not to date anyone, even if my decision was health related. I needed to really have faith in myself and not feel as if I were something less than because of my health issues; if you know what I mean. The one relationship I had after the divorce really was like having a relationship with my mother--He was the voice that said "You are not good enough," the voice that built me up to just to tear me down. I have to stop this attraction to narcissists--as if I can hitch a ride on to their star. I am a star myself (although no brighter and no more beautiful than any other) and I do not need to feel better about myself by being with an accomplished or beautiful someone.
This self-knowledge I have recently acquired has been enlightening... thinking about my mom and not really missing her. How would she have felt when I was born if she knew that her daughter would not miss her after she was gone? Would she have done anything differently? Starting to get a feel for what went wrong with her and about myself. Still I'm not going to stress about family dynamics. It's over and done with. I would like to reflect instead on what strength I have gained from the experience of growing up in a crazy family.
My mom and Andrew:
I actually thought about an old boyfriend today--just for a second. Something about the Pittsburg/Niner game reminded me of Andrew and his Superbowl bet with my dad (over thirty years ago) and I felt a twinge of disgust because he is not someone who I want to think about even for a second. He basically fit the mold of the kind of guy I used to be attracted to--a narcissist.
Now if I find someone in this life, he will be a nice humble man. I don't need people who are so insecure that they play head games. I would like to be able to recognize something really good, appreciate it, and go for it instead of minimizing it like I did in the past. All that glitters is not gold.
Dan did glitter (poor man) and at his best was a good guy but because of his own illness, he never gave me enough attention--except maybe in the weeks and months after we married. We do have a great son together and we are friends so I cannot ask for much more. There wasone boyfriend who was a nurturer but we both moved on years ago. I want nothing more for him to be happy in his life and I know for sure that he would like for me to be happy too.
Maybe someday in heaven, this will all shake out. I will understand what my parents did and will be reunited with everyone I knew in this life and it will all be good and all will be understood and forgiven. Sometimes I have a hard time forgiving certain behaviors but forgiveness is a good value to aspire to. Forgive but not forget. I hope that people forgive me for the things I have said and for the things I didn't say.
Back to the SCD diet. Like I said, it wasn't too rough today. Tomorrow might be because I have to go grocery shopping again and need veggies, fruits, and meats so I might go hungry in the morning. Messing up just once could cause a flare up and even if it doesn't cause a flare, it affects the quality of my life. Going to the gym tomorrow and glad that I am inspiring Cyndy too! There is only one way to live this life and that is to the fullest! This is God's plan for me and is the template for my life. Never give up.
That said, I'm so glad I took these years off not to date anyone, even if my decision was health related. I needed to really have faith in myself and not feel as if I were something less than because of my health issues; if you know what I mean. The one relationship I had after the divorce really was like having a relationship with my mother--He was the voice that said "You are not good enough," the voice that built me up to just to tear me down. I have to stop this attraction to narcissists--as if I can hitch a ride on to their star. I am a star myself (although no brighter and no more beautiful than any other) and I do not need to feel better about myself by being with an accomplished or beautiful someone.
This self-knowledge I have recently acquired has been enlightening... thinking about my mom and not really missing her. How would she have felt when I was born if she knew that her daughter would not miss her after she was gone? Would she have done anything differently? Starting to get a feel for what went wrong with her and about myself. Still I'm not going to stress about family dynamics. It's over and done with. I would like to reflect instead on what strength I have gained from the experience of growing up in a crazy family.
My mom and Andrew:
I actually thought about an old boyfriend today--just for a second. Something about the Pittsburg/Niner game reminded me of Andrew and his Superbowl bet with my dad (over thirty years ago) and I felt a twinge of disgust because he is not someone who I want to think about even for a second. He basically fit the mold of the kind of guy I used to be attracted to--a narcissist.
Now if I find someone in this life, he will be a nice humble man. I don't need people who are so insecure that they play head games. I would like to be able to recognize something really good, appreciate it, and go for it instead of minimizing it like I did in the past. All that glitters is not gold.
Dan did glitter (poor man) and at his best was a good guy but because of his own illness, he never gave me enough attention--except maybe in the weeks and months after we married. We do have a great son together and we are friends so I cannot ask for much more. There wasone boyfriend who was a nurturer but we both moved on years ago. I want nothing more for him to be happy in his life and I know for sure that he would like for me to be happy too.
Maybe someday in heaven, this will all shake out. I will understand what my parents did and will be reunited with everyone I knew in this life and it will all be good and all will be understood and forgiven. Sometimes I have a hard time forgiving certain behaviors but forgiveness is a good value to aspire to. Forgive but not forget. I hope that people forgive me for the things I have said and for the things I didn't say.
Back to the SCD diet. Like I said, it wasn't too rough today. Tomorrow might be because I have to go grocery shopping again and need veggies, fruits, and meats so I might go hungry in the morning. Messing up just once could cause a flare up and even if it doesn't cause a flare, it affects the quality of my life. Going to the gym tomorrow and glad that I am inspiring Cyndy too! There is only one way to live this life and that is to the fullest! This is God's plan for me and is the template for my life. Never give up.
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