Day 22

Today is Day 22 on the SCD diet. Good until right about now because I'm hungry and all there is is fruit. I should have had some nuts or eggs or something. Too much fruit today!

Wes made some popcorn and asked me if I wanted some and of course I said, "No" but it smells so good. Cravings for everything else are zilch so I don't understand why I felt lured. I can look at bread, even when I am starving and not flinch...but popcorn. I think it was more the smell of the oil and salt that got me.

Tomorrow is New Years Day and I am excited about what the new year will bring. This is something that I can and will do and I am ready to make a change. I just have to keep thinking "What else would you be doing this year?"--other than changing your life...and the answer of course is, "Nothing".

I'm a little disgusted with myself after cleaning out the car and files. It's been too long and some of my old habits have to change. I keep saying this but when life gets to be too hard or overwhelming, old ways are hard to break. Felt something like shame at first and then pride because I am handling a job that would have felled many people, running a household skillfully, working at a full-time high-powered job, and being #1 Mom. I was a perfectionist at all of those jobs and something had to give.

I wonder how it will be when Wes is gone. Some of the sloppiness was mine but really now Wes doesn't care. The closets are proof of this when he puts away things wrong and then says, "I'm sorry."

On the spending front, I didn't spend too much. $3.00 for two pairs of shoes on Ebay after I deducted my PayPal credit and $5.00 for a Subway sandwich for Wes. I am realizing that my compulsive spending is tied to wanting to make my life easier and to take care of business. The making life easier doesn't always pan out. As soon as I get a yogurt-maker, I realize I need more jars and a spoon with a thermometer at the bottom and a lunch bag to take to work every day. It never ends.  I also want to have things organized and nice. In the new year as well as diet, I am going to cut up those credit cards and deal with the feelings of wanting to take care of business. We can go without nice shampoos and creams and no one says we have to eat out. Doggie doesn't have to have a new toy or treat all of the time either. I am looking at screen doors, lunch bags, and thermometers and then this will be the end of it. I don't need a new floor this year and the tenant has a dishwasher and a fridge so she is set!

Today is day 20

Today is the twentieth day! Cannot believe that I've gotten this far. I was kind of hungry last night but right now still as motivated as heck. Didn't go to the gym yet today. Don't want to leave the dog alone because Wes isn't here! Not much else to say.

I worked hard on organizing the house and it shows. Paid a lot of bills and realized that I really shouldn't be spending the way I am. Have to find ways to cut costs. I am feeling that I'm not prettying up the house or myself very well and needed to spend a little on that. I am not going to put the TV on the wall this month and am waiting until the following month until I buy the fabric for the slipcovers. Just a little at a time.

I will be going down in dress size so it's best not to spend too much on clothes and I need to keep things away from Shawnee and/or get her new toys. Ciao for now!

More inspiration

More inspiration from podcasts. This time from a Naturopath who talked a lot about SIBO. Some of it was encouraging and some of it was implicating that I might have to lay off carbs (or at least) gluten for life. Best case scenario--gluten causes thyroid problems which caused SIBO to proliferate. I considered ordering another supplement which has me worried because I tend to go gung ho on things too much. The inspiration is much-needed and I am really good at complying when I have hope and encouragement. Have to make sure to continue with the antibiotics; that's an important piece!

Today I had turkey soup. It was alright. I think I used too much water so even 30 hours of boiling was not enough to impart enough flavor. So today was turkey, beats, a banana, and soup. And green tea of course. I really need to get out to the produce market tomorrow. I'm in the mood for poached pears, but not too many. I should get into freezing things for work and the pears should be one thing. I really want to make applesauce (or pear sauce)!

Work might be problematic because the gf bread will not be an option. Neither will be tuna unless I can buy it from TJ and make the majo myself. No gl crackers. Lunch will be meat and vegetables along with some eggs, etc. I really need to get the recipe book so I can experiment. Need to get some flavored oils for calories.

Inspired today

Today started out kind of slow. I was really tired from Christmas and feeling disjointed from not eating any of the traditional foods. But I was soon inspired by Jordan and Steve's podcasts and even by a cookbook called Turtle Soup, which I ordered. One lesson I got today is not to overindulge in any SCD-legal foods especially almond, peanut butter, fructose, and or yogurt and cheeses. So this calls for more diversity and creativity!

Really gung ho now. Can't wait to tell Cyndy about podcasts and weight loss!

It's been a few days!

Lots of progress on getting support. Turkey is in the oven and it smells great. Have to hold out for that long because almonds are all that's readily available. Had way too much cooked fruit yesterday. With cinnamon; it was great.

Need to make sure I am still strong and am the warrior queen that I am. It struck me yesterday that my alter ego is in charge. The very strong one who says, "Never say die" and "Never give up." With her in command, I cannot lose.

Wish Sybil were true because I could integrate both personalities--the strong one and the weaker one.

xxoo

Today is Day 12

Yesterday was good in some ways. The probiotics came in the mail yesterday and the book should come today. That should help. I cooked some but the food won't last. At least working gets you into a routine. The food may be boring but....

Anyway, need a yogurt maker and I have no idea what goat's milk yogurt tastes like. Should be good with fruit right?

Nothing much else to say. No cravings really, not even for potatoes or other carbs. And I stayed away from cheese and coffee.

Day 10

Today was pretty easy. I've been inspired by this guy on YouTube (crohnsboy) who really has it all together. If I could just have a percent or two of his attitude, life would be so much fuller. It's like I've been awakened from this haze where I thought good enough was acceptable. It's never been okay to do an admirable job. If I know what to do, it's a crime not to go full tilt boogie for happiness. Complacency is not an option, especially in my case. Maybe for others, but not for me.

That said, I'm so glad I took these years off not to date anyone, even if my decision was health related. I needed to really have faith in myself and not feel as if I were something less than because of my health issues; if you know what I mean. The one relationship I had after the divorce really was like having a relationship with my mother--He was the voice that said "You are not good enough," the voice that built me up to just to tear me down.  I have to stop this attraction to narcissists--as if I can hitch a ride on to their star. I am a star myself (although no brighter and no more beautiful than any other) and I do not need to feel better about myself by being with an accomplished or beautiful someone.

This self-knowledge I have recently acquired has been enlightening... thinking about my mom and not really missing her. How would she have felt when I was born if she knew that her daughter would not miss her after she was gone? Would she have done anything differently?  Starting to get a feel for what went wrong  with her and about myself. Still I'm not going to stress about family dynamics. It's over and done with. I would like to reflect instead on what strength I have gained from the experience of growing up in a crazy family.

My mom and Andrew:
I actually thought about an old boyfriend today--just for a second. Something about the Pittsburg/Niner game reminded me of Andrew and his Superbowl bet with my dad (over thirty years ago) and I felt a twinge of disgust because he is not someone who I want to think about even for a second. He basically fit the mold of the kind of guy I used to be attracted to--a narcissist.

Now if I find someone in this life, he will be a nice humble man. I don't need people who are so insecure that they play head games. I would like to be able to recognize something really good, appreciate it, and go for it instead of minimizing it like I did in the past. All that glitters is not gold.

Dan did glitter (poor man) and at his best was a good guy but because of his own illness, he never gave me enough attention--except maybe in the weeks and months after we married. We do have a great son together and we are friends so I cannot ask for much more. There wasone boyfriend who was a nurturer but we both moved on years ago. I want nothing more for him to be happy in his life and I know for sure that he would like for me to be happy too.

Maybe someday in heaven, this will all shake out. I will understand what my parents did and will be reunited with everyone I knew in this life and it will all be good and all will be understood and forgiven. Sometimes I have a hard time forgiving certain behaviors but forgiveness is a good value to aspire to. Forgive but not forget. I hope that people forgive me for the things I have said and for the things I didn't say.

Back to the SCD diet. Like I  said, it wasn't too rough today. Tomorrow might be because I have to go grocery shopping again and need veggies, fruits, and meats so I might go hungry in the morning. Messing up just once could cause a flare up and even if it doesn't cause a flare, it affects the quality of my life.  Going to the gym tomorrow and glad that I am inspiring Cyndy too! There is only one way to live this life and that is to the fullest! This is God's plan for me and is the template for my life. Never give up.

So this is Day 9

I'm starting to really really believe that this can be done! One year is possible, a new, less pathetic life is possible. Not that my life is pathetic. I just need to accept that a major part of my life (eating) is affected by my health problem. Other people lose legs, can't have babies, have mental illnesses and they have to deal. It just seems that so many put up this picture of an ideal life and now I don't have any of the things that go along with a good life. I have one great kid and one great dog. I feel I am a really good mother but there has to be more than this to life. I want all the things that everyone else does. I don't need them but wanting them is okay right? What I lost by being premature is a lot. But I have to think about what I have gained too? Toughness??

In addition to the SCD diet, a money diet is needed. Now my big push is to get a car for Wes and furniture recovered and flooring. But I'm starting to get really scared about money. I've got to pay some of this back. It's not like I'm buying a lot of stuff, I just have a lot of bills paying for everything.

Dealing with psychological obstacles

Today I wanted rice. Rice Chex, rice, you name it. Just wanted rice. I don't know why. I'm not a rice fiend. This is Day 8 and I still haven't started on probiotics but the gut feels a lot better. Would be nice to be cured someday but cures are few and far between. Just want to get the inflammation down and stop suffering in this life. Really, I am suffering. No two ways about it. And I am sick of it. Gotta get through the holidays and I'm 80% there. Gotta get a turkey without any added junk in it.

xxoo

Debbie

Day Six! Great Scott...

I skipped a day! No wonder today was so weird. Finally getting settled into the routine. Have to take special probiotics, use special toothpaste, and get the book. Don't want to waste a year of my life unless it is for something. Food was incredibly boring the last two days. Note to self, get more cherries and more meat with garlic. Don't try raw cashews anymore. Need to throw out the food I won't be using and give the toothpaste I have to Wes.

Good news, I met someone. This guy at the gym has a crush on me...I am playing it really slow so will see what happens. Crossing my fingers. I want someone to really like me and for the feeling to be mutual. He's not shy for one thing...and his name is Scott. Need to write it down here before I forget. The admiration of a guy named Scott keeps me going. Better that I don't have a last name so I don't find out all about him, etc. Gee sure hope he's not married.

So lots of temptation today. Not so much for the junk around work or the candy for for things I usually eat--grains. Right now I have pork ribs cooking and smell is heavenly except for one thing the garlic. Garlic is the only thing that keeps me happy right now. Maybe as I buy more ingredients, it will be easier than hard-boiled eggs, almonds, cooked vegetables, and cooked applies and bananas of course. I'm not into fruit juice so it's not going in me. No way no how. Eventually, I'll get the yogurt-maker. One step at a time!

Two big No's

Lots of holiday food to avoid so I am proud I said "No" to doughnuts and coffee and then later no "No" to cupcakes. I was driving back from the crisis at Diablo View Middle and was thinking, I can do this."I can take a year and do something very different with my eating habits.

I year in the life to reboot my digestive system if it works. I'm starting to get excited about this even though last night I couldn't even taste rice! Ha Ha. Need a SCD cookbook to do holiday cooking so I don't feel left out. It will be something I remember later. No holiday parties this year and if we go on vaca it will be food in a cooler. I'm getting used the planning and feel uber organized. Never late anymore, like a changed person.
Last night was tired though too many days at the gym. Took a break from it today and will pick it up tomorrow.

Day Three short and sweet

The gym again. Feeling good but arms and legs are sore. Worked out alone today.

About the diet, one of my worries about this diet is my style. I go in one direction only to scurry in another if I don't get the results I want or if I talk myself into thinking I'm cured. The diet is restrictive. No canned tuna ,and fruit might be limited.

And the kind of feedback I want isn't coming yet. Put on my pants and they were still tight so nothing so far in the weight department but it's only Day Three. But I have had feedback--no accidents and no discomfort.

Looking at it positively, Day Three means that I am almost 1% done. I've resisted doing this but I have to do what I have always done when doing something difficult, project myself a year in the future and tell myself, "What would you have done instead?" This is how I got through college and this is how I will get through this. 

If this is something most people don't do right, I am going to be the determined one who gets it right. This will require a million and one "No's." Many decisions a day every day. So how will I show progress on these decisions. I was thinking of putting up a barometer with red representing the percent done. 

I should also count up the number of good decisions I need to make. I imagine it would come up three times a day, someone putting food in front of me or me being caught off guard. 365 x 3 = 1095 decisions and check each one off. And these are not small decisions like "What do I eat today?" This involves missing Christmas dinner, Easter dinner, people's disapointments, not going to restaurants, etc.  And the other several thousand choices I need to make to make sure the right food is there. I guess that would be another 365 so something like 1500 hard decisions before I get to one year.  And I'm not counting the 300 decisions as to whether to go the gym or not, whether to weigh myself or not.

I am warrior woman and I can do what others cannot. It's hot in here so I will sign off for now!

Day Two

Well I got through the day okay. I didn't realize all of the psychological obstacles I would face. I did the candida diet years ago and found it restrictive but helpful. For years I was on a modified LC diet (good carbs, no sugar) and then went gluten-free last June. Yesterday, I found myself reluctant to give up all of the good carbs I have added back in. The biggest barrier is psychological I know. Got to stop thinking about the skinny people who can have a candy bar once in a while. I can't Also have to throw away my probiotics cause they have FOS, which is a carb used to feed the good bacteria. Seems it feeds the bad bacteria as well. 

Overall I feel good. Cyndy and I did the gym as usual and my legs feel good today. Instead of swimming, we did the weight room because Cyndy's back is killing her for some reason. Noticed that with the gym five days a week, I can climb stairs with ease and my balance is really good--something that I lose with just three days a week at the gym. Paid the $800+ for the annual membership today. Deeply discounted rate but still hurts. Worth it though in terms of our health.  The guy next to me at the gym said it well. He said, "For other people food is about taste. For me at is about nourishing myself." He is really into Dr. Oz, as am I. His statement really sums it up. I want food to be about sharing and community and taste and it's hard to give that up completely if only for a couple of years. I hate fanaticism but in this case, being a fanatic about something pays off. I always thought that God rewarded moderation and the the middle was always best. In this case, the war is on the invaders in my body and it's total obliteration or nothing at all.

Also, started taking the meds for SBIO (Small Bowel Intestinal Overgrowth). This is the problem I have had since I went to Greece and drank bad water (1983). This diet and the meds are supposed to take care of any residual problems I might have with IBS-D. Funny how the parasite can go away but the after-effects last a lifetime. My sister Michelle has this same problem so maybe eventually I would have had it without the trip to Greece. Who knows!
The other thing I had to deal with yesterday is the hunger. I really don't know where the calories will come from with no brown rice or potato. Last night I came home from the show and made myself some chicken with grapeseed oil and garlic for flavor because I was starved. Shared some of it with Shawnee and she threw up because she was eating it too fast. During the day it was hard-boiled eggs, bananas, and almonds most of the day. I did buy some fresh veggies and fruits. I imagine some of the calories will have to come from fruit. Got to look into a recipe book and cooking on the weekends.
After I got back from the gym, Wes wanted a sausage biscuit from Jack in the Box. Took him through the drive-through. Ordinarily I would have had a hashbrowns and a diet coke. This time had neither because both are banned.

The rest of the day was just routine. Felt good all day though. Day one down, 364 left to go.

Day One on the SCD Diet

Okay so this is Day One and I'm barely ready for it but am going for it anyway. I'm going to erase the word "can't" from my vocabulary and am going after what I want. I've always had what one would call a relentless personality. I was born over two months early so I had to be relentless in order to survive and to be even more so to get through childhood.

Usually I go relentlessly in search of truth which does not always make me the most popular. Sure didn't when I was growing up in the funhouse--funhouse because everything was distorted and upside down and no one was allowed to call bullshit or else there was hell to pay. Anyway, this time what I am going after is health. The author of the SCD Diet if you want to call it says that it takes two years to return to normal but I've decided to take it one year at a time.

So in addition to being relentless, I've also got to still the voices that tell me to feel sorry for my self. Other people get cancer. Other people have to deal with digestive issues. Or they are stuck with batshit crazy personalities and to tell you the truth, I'd rather be on limited time with a good head on my shoulders than have a lifetime of being a sorry SOB. I'm lucky, I've got my brain and a heart, a son who makes me proud because he is a fantastic human being, a love bug of a dog, and good friends who I love. The other thing I need to do is to keep my eye on the prize. I've always been disciplined but for this I need to call in my German side and take no prisoners. Look in the mirror and say, "What do you want" every day of the week for one year. All I know is that I feel good today and that's enough. I always thought that to be too disciplined was to become an automatron but now I think that being an automatron means sitting in front of the TV watching reality TV while life is passing right on by.

The other thing I need to do is to stop wanting to please people already. I want people to like me but if they don't well that's their problem. How many times in my life have I wanted to please someone who turned out to be not worth it? I've washed my hands of people who were bringing me down and I'm just not going to be soft anymore. Loving but empathic and tough, that's what I want to be. Like I said, gotta be able to call bullshit. That's why I stopped dating and I won't start again until I'm sure that my picker is working correctly.

Anyway, I will need some help this this so I am enlisting the help of a nutritionist who should understand my "plight." Her name is Holly Kutchner and she lives in Berkeley so I won't see her much. My doctor at Kaiser also knows the score and she has been an invaluable support. Most of all love and support is coming from my friend Cyndy Hodes, the woman who has been getting me to the gym four days a week on average for the past 2-1/2 years. We've upped it to five (from three) and we are both already seeing the difference. Cyndy is an example of someone with discipline and heart and is truly my inspiration.

So I will close for now. Day One done.