Today was pretty easy. I've been inspired by this guy on YouTube (crohnsboy) who really has it all together. If I could just have a percent or two of his attitude, life would be so much fuller. It's like I've been awakened from this haze where I thought good enough was acceptable. It's never been okay to do an admirable job. If I know what to do, it's a crime not to go full tilt boogie for happiness. Complacency is not an option, especially in my case. Maybe for others, but not for me.
That said, I'm so glad I took these years off not to date anyone, even if my decision was health related. I needed to really have faith in myself and not feel as if I were something less than because of my health issues; if you know what I mean. The one relationship I had after the divorce really was like having a relationship with my mother--He was the voice that said "You are not good enough," the voice that built me up to just to tear me down. I have to stop this attraction to narcissists--as if I can hitch a ride on to their star. I am a star myself (although no brighter and no more beautiful than any other) and I do not need to feel better about myself by being with an accomplished or beautiful someone.
This self-knowledge I have recently acquired has been enlightening... thinking about my mom and not really missing her. How would she have felt when I was born if she knew that her daughter would not miss her after she was gone? Would she have done anything differently? Starting to get a feel for what went wrong with her and about myself. Still I'm not going to stress about family dynamics. It's over and done with. I would like to reflect instead on what strength I have gained from the experience of growing up in a crazy family.
My mom and Andrew:
I actually thought about an old boyfriend today--just for a second. Something about the Pittsburg/Niner game reminded me of Andrew and his Superbowl bet with my dad (over thirty years ago) and I felt a twinge of disgust because he is not someone who I want to think about even for a second. He basically fit the mold of the kind of guy I used to be attracted to--a narcissist.
Now if I find someone in this life, he will be a nice humble man. I don't need people who are so insecure that they play head games. I would like to be able to recognize something really good, appreciate it, and go for it instead of minimizing it like I did in the past. All that glitters is not gold.
Dan did glitter (poor man) and at his best was a good guy but because of his own illness, he never gave me enough attention--except maybe in the weeks and months after we married. We do have a great son together and we are friends so I cannot ask for much more. There wasone boyfriend who was a nurturer but we both moved on years ago. I want nothing more for him to be happy in his life and I know for sure that he would like for me to be happy too.
Maybe someday in heaven, this will all shake out. I will understand what my parents did and will be reunited with everyone I knew in this life and it will all be good and all will be understood and forgiven. Sometimes I have a hard time forgiving certain behaviors but forgiveness is a good value to aspire to. Forgive but not forget. I hope that people forgive me for the things I have said and for the things I didn't say.
Back to the SCD diet. Like I said, it wasn't too rough today. Tomorrow might be because I have to go grocery shopping again and need veggies, fruits, and meats so I might go hungry in the morning. Messing up just once could cause a flare up and even if it doesn't cause a flare, it affects the quality of my life. Going to the gym tomorrow and glad that I am inspiring Cyndy too! There is only one way to live this life and that is to the fullest! This is God's plan for me and is the template for my life. Never give up.
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